i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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