my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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