My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize