I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
