Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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