Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
