my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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