Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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