This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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