If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
