I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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