May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
