Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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