You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
