what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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