If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
