True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
smell my finger.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
