someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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