if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
