i permit you to call me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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