Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
