What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
