yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
