Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
