Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
