The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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