when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know her cup size but not her name....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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