I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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