The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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