I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize