What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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