i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We are all done wearing pants today
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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