I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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