That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
