Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This is my life. Enjoy the view
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
