I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I could make wine with my vomit
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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