she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
