I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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