sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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