I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
