My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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