The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
