fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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