i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
