your parents love me but you hate me
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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