Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
