can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
