I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
