Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
