he thought i was a dude.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
