I am puke
i think my tv is drunk
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
