five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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