Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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