There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize