somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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