sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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