I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
