it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
