i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
